Our Marriage Ref (Part III)

 

Football referee blowing whistle

 

 

About a week later we all got together.

On the positive side, there was no yelling, kicking or screaming and neither Dick nor I walked out of the session. We talked as civilly as two people who hate each others guts and must continue to live together under the same roof can.

Trust me, the underlying current in the room was charged with high-voltage mercurial energy. But I’m sure this was to be expected. After all, this was why the judge wanted us to see the mediator in the first place.

Surprisingly, on the big issues Dick and I were in complete agreement.

Up until our meeting, I didn’t understand (and for sure Dick had no clue) what the parameters of custody were. It was explained to us that custody was simply about decision-making regarding religion, education and health. Regarding religion, there weren’t any issues. Both of us are Jewish and follow the same customs, traditions and beliefs. The next area of discussion was education. The fact that Ashley was in high school at the time and would finish out her studies at the same institution wasn’t an area of dispute either. The final topic was medical concerns. Thankfully, Ashley didn’t have any serious health conditions.

In the past, when a medical or dental situation arose, we deferred to the advice of the pediatrician or dentist and followed their recommendations. We agreed that going forward, we would continue to follow the same pattern. In the event that one of us might feel the need for a second opinion,  we could get one at our own expense.

The last major area of concern was whether or not Ashley should get a car while she was still a minor. Here too, we both felt there wasn’t a need for one. (and when we become divorced, if Dick decides he wants to buy her one, it would be fine with me!)

So, in a nutshell, we didn’t have any issues with the major issues. It was the minutia of daily life that caused all the grief.

As we shifted to the topic of our living arrangements and visitation in the future, things became much more heated. I brought up what I discussed privately with the mediator. Dick brushed everything off. I also voiced my concern about the possibility that Dick probably would move out-of-state and start a new life with Juanita, and if that would transpire—what would be the point of discussing a visitation schedule. The mediator agreed that if Dick’s intention was to move to Arizona, the discussion was a waste of time unless Dick planned to come to town every week to have dinner with Ashley and spend every other weekend here as well. Who knows…maybe that is exactly what he’ll do.

I brought up the fact that Dick started traveling frequently recently and he didn’t feel he had to give me the courtesy of letting me know when he would be gone. Then mediator told him that had to change. Going forward, Dick had to give me notice of when and for how long he would be away from the house. After much dispute, he finally agreed.

We then approached the arrangements for Passover and who Ashley would be spending each night with.

Also it was decided (after Dick went on and on about being a busy doctor who couldn’t commit to a regular schedule) that for the time being, he would take care of Ashley on Monday and Tuesday evenings and I would be with her on Wednesday and Thursday nights. We would muddle our way through the weekends and try to accommodate each other as best as possible. *This should be interesting since I was never accommodated up till that point.

At the end of the long and draining hour, even though we didn’t work out all the details about every issue, at least a framework was built of how things would be expected to play out over the next several years.

It seemed to be a step in the right direction.

To be continued…

About a week later we all got together.

On the positive side, there was no yelling, kicking or screaming and neither Dick nor I walked out of the session. We talked as civilly as two people who hate each others guts and must continue to live together under the same roof can.

Trust me, the underlying current in the room was charged with high-voltage mercurial energy. But I’m sure this was to be expected. After all, this was why the judge wanted us to see the mediator in the first place.

Surprisingly, on the big issues Dick and I were in complete agreement.

Up until our meeting, I didn’t understand (and for sure Dick had no clue) what the parameters of custody were. It was explained to us that custody was simply about decision-making regarding religion, education and health. Regarding religion, there weren’t any issues. Both of us are Jewish and follow the same customs, traditions and beliefs. The next area of discussion was education. The fact that Ashley was in high school at the time and would finish out her studies at the same institution wasn’t an area of dispute either. The final topic was medical concerns. Thankfully, Ashley didn’t have any serious health conditions.

In the past, when a medical or dental situation arose, we deferred to the advice of the pediatrician or dentist and followed their recommendations. We agreed that going forward, we would continue to follow the same pattern. In the event that one of us might feel the need for a second opinion,  we could get one at our own expense.

The last major area of concern was whether or not Ashley should get a car while she was still a minor. Here too, we both felt there wasn’t a need for one. (and when we become divorced, if Dick decides he wants to buy her one, it would be fine with me!)

So, in a nutshell, we didn’t have any issues with the major issues. It was the minutia of daily life that caused all the grief.

As we shifted to the topic of our living arrangements and visitation in the future, things became much more heated. I brought up what I discussed privately with the mediator. Dick brushed everything off. I also voiced my concern about the possibility that Dick probably would move out-of-state and start a new life with Juanita, and if that would transpire—what would be the point of discussing a visitation schedule. The mediator agreed that if Dick’s intention was to move to Arizona, the discussion was a waste of time unless Dick planned to come to town every week to have dinner with Ashley and spend every other weekend here as well. Who knows…maybe that is exactly what he’ll do.

I brought up the fact that Dick started traveling frequently recently and he didn’t feel he had to give me the courtesy of letting me know when he would be gone. Then mediator told him that had to change. Going forward, Dick had to give me notice of when and for how long he would be away from the house. After much dispute, he finally agreed.

We then approached the arrangements for Passover and who Ashley would be spending each night with.

Also it was decided (after Dick went on and on about being a busy doctor who couldn’t commit to a regular schedule) that for the time being, he would take care of Ashley on Monday and Tuesday evenings and I would be with her on Wednesday and Thursday nights. We would muddle our way through the weekends and try to accommodate each other as best as possible. *This should be interesting since I was never accommodated up till that point.

At the end of the long and draining hour, even though we didn’t work out all the details about every issue, at least a framework was built of how things would be expected to play out over the next several years.

It seemed to be a step in the right direction.

To be continued…About a week later we all got together.
On the positive side, there was no yelling, kicking or screaming and neither Dick nor I walked out of the session. We talked as civilly as two people who hate each others guts and must continue to live together under the same roof can.
Trust me, the underlying current in the room was charged with high-voltage mercurial energy. But I’m sure this was to be expected. After all, this was why the judge wanted us to see the mediator in the first place.
Surprisingly, on the big issues Dick and I were in complete agreement.
Up until our meeting, I didn’t understand (and for sure Dick had no clue) what the parameters of custody were. It was explained to us that custody was simply about decision-making regarding religion, education and health. Regarding religion, there weren’t any issues. Both of us are Jewish and follow the same customs, traditions and beliefs. The next area of discussion was education. The fact that Ashley was in high school at the time and would finish out her studies at the same institution wasn’t an area of dispute either. The final topic was medical concerns. Thankfully, Ashley didn’t have any serious health conditions.
In the past, when a medical or dental situation arose, we deferred to the advice of the pediatrician or dentist and followed their recommendations. We agreed that going forward, we would continue to follow the same pattern. In the event that one of us might feel the need for a second opinion,  we could get one at our own expense.
The last major area of concern was whether or not Ashley should get a car while she was still a minor. Here too, we both felt there wasn’t a need for one. (and when we become divorced, if Dick decides he wants to buy her one, it would be fine with me!)
So, in a nutshell, we didn’t have any issues with the major issues. It was the minutia of daily life that caused all the grief.
As we shifted to the topic of our living arrangements and visitation in the future, things became much more heated. I brought up what I discussed privately with the mediator. Dick brushed everything off. I also voiced my concern about the possibility that Dick probably would move out-of-state and start a new life with Juanita, and if that would transpire—what would be the point of discussing a visitation schedule. The mediator agreed that if Dick’s intention was to move to Arizona, the discussion was a waste of time unless Dick planned to come to town every week to have dinner with Ashley and spend every other weekend here as well. Who knows…maybe that is exactly what he’ll do.
I brought up the fact that Dick started traveling frequently recently and he didn’t feel he had to give me the courtesy of letting me know when he would be gone. Then mediator told him that had to change. Going forward, Dick had to give me notice of when and for how long he would be away from the house. After much dispute, he finally agreed.
We then approached the arrangements for Passover and who Ashley would be spending each night with.
Also it was decided (after Dick went on and on about being a busy doctor who couldn’t commit to a regular schedule) that for the time being, he would take care of Ashley on Monday and Tuesday evenings and I would be with her on Wednesday and Thursday nights. We would muddle our way through the weekends and try to accommodate each other as best as possible. *This should be interesting since I was never accommodated up till that point.
At the end of the long and draining hour, even though we didn’t work out all the details about every issue, at least a framework was built of how things would be expected to play out over the next several years.
It seemed to be a step in the right direction.
To be continued…About a week later we all got together.
On the positive side, there was no yelling, kicking or screaming and neither Dick nor I walked out of the session. We talked as civilly as two people who hate each others guts and must continue to live together under the same roof can.
Trust me, the underlying current in the room was charged with high-voltage mercurial energy. But I’m sure this was to be expected. After all, this was why the judge wanted us to see the mediator in the first place.
Surprisingly, on the big issues Dick and I were in complete agreement.
Up until our meeting, I didn’t understand (and for sure Dick had no clue) what the parameters of custody were. It was explained to us that custody was simply about decision-making regarding religion, education and health. Regarding religion, there weren’t any issues. Both of us are Jewish and follow the same customs, traditions and beliefs. The next area of discussion was education. The fact that Ashley was in high school at the time and would finish out her studies at the same institution wasn’t an area of dispute either. The final topic was medical concerns. Thankfully, Ashley didn’t have any serious health conditions.
In the past, when a medical or dental situation arose, we deferred to the advice of the pediatrician or dentist and followed their recommendations. We agreed that going forward, we would continue to follow the same pattern. In the event that one of us might feel the need for a second opinion,  we could get one at our own expense.
The last major area of concern was whether or not Ashley should get a car while she was still a minor. Here too, we both felt there wasn’t a need for one. (and when we become divorced, if Dick decides he wants to buy her one, it would be fine with me!)
So, in a nutshell, we didn’t have any issues with the major issues. It was the minutia of daily life that caused all the grief.
As we shifted to the topic of our living arrangements and visitation in the future, things became much more heated. I brought up what I discussed privately with the mediator. Dick brushed everything off. I also voiced my concern about the possibility that Dick probably would move out-of-state and start a new life with Juanita, and if that would transpire—what would be the point of discussing a visitation schedule. The mediator agreed that if Dick’s intention was to move to Arizona, the discussion was a waste of time unless Dick planned to come to town every week to have dinner with Ashley and spend every other weekend here as well. Who knows…maybe that is exactly what he’ll do.
I brought up the fact that Dick started traveling frequently recently and he didn’t feel he had to give me the courtesy of letting me know when he would be gone. Then mediator told him that had to change. Going forward, Dick had to give me notice of when and for how long he would be away from the house. After much dispute, he finally agreed.
We then approached the arrangements for Passover and who Ashley would be spending each night with.
Also it was decided (after Dick went on and on about being a busy doctor who couldn’t commit to a regular schedule) that for the time being, he would take care of Ashley on Monday and Tuesday evenings and I would be with her on Wednesday and Thursday nights. We would muddle our way through the weekends and try to accommodate each other as best as possible. *This should be interesting since I was never accommodated up till that point.
At the end of the long and draining hour, even though we didn’t work out all the details about every issue, at least a framework was built of how things would be expected to play out over the next several years.
It seemed to be a step in the right direction.
To be continued…

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